The past few days I have been dealing with trivial problems that involved lots of calls, hold time, and circular conversations with customer service representatives. The first day I got riled up and couldn’t hold back my frustration on the phone. After what seemed like several eternities, I was back at square one. Don’t pass go, don’t collect two hundred dollars.
The next day I began with fresh hope, new day, someone new to answer my call and hopefully my issue. I tried to mentally chill my mood, whatever happens, who cares, right? Life goes on. Well I was able to stay with that mood for an hour or so and it quickly dissipated into the orneriness of the previous day. What was happening? How could I let a situation sap my mood so easily?
Day three, I got more bad news via email and was looking at another day of what had so far been fruitless phone calls. I gave myself a mental pep talk and steeled myself with a treat (a bagel with cream cheese) carb loading for phone endurance. As I was eating I thought about how, over time, I gave my mind up to alcohol. It was as if I traded a decent amount of my ability to regulate my thoughts and my moods, for daily drinking. And even though I have been living without drinking for a while, I am still not back to my pre-drinking me!
When I was drinking really let everything roll off my back because I knew that at five o’clock I would be soothed by my chardonnay. Now it is very clear that I was not an easygoing person that was drinking, I was a wound tight perfectionist that was shoving any problem or annoyance under a large rug of denial and continuing to drink so that I could live with the growing mountain under that rug. After twenty years of such behavior, it has become a hard habit to shed.
In early sobriety I just felt raw, like everything bad that happened, from the slight to the enormous, might be too much to handle. And now living without drinking I still have to remind myself, “Meg be happy, you are happy, so try to be relaxed, try to breathe, try to keep a kind open mind today.” Although I am in no way in control of my moods yet, I am able to experience my moods sober, and experience what it is to be self-aware enough to talk myself into a better head space. I could never, and would never have bothered to think these things through when I was drinking. I mean I had drinking to do! Duh! Priorities!
I can recognize my inability to regulate my own moods, and that, I hope is the first step of not living a life where my moods control my mental and physical state. My body’s recovery from almost twenty years of drinking has been slow, and the one thing I can tell you is that it does get easier. Remember that alcohol is extremely hard on your mind, and your mind and mood play such an important roll in your long term happiness.